Anatomy of a Very Good Day

  • Wake up early
  • Savor the few sips of coffee you manage to take
  • Spend the day actively considering those less fortunate than you
  • Embrace afternoon vacation on the first day of Autumn
  • Watch Arsenal destroy the sp*rs in Capital One Cup at White Hart Lane
  • Show generosity and kindness to others
  • Play soccer and give it everything you’ve got
    • briefly wonder if your heart will explode
    • realize your heart is the only thing driving you
    • truly appreciate your heart
  • Realize how much water contributes to life and vow to drink more of it
  • Experience genuine acts of love & kindness
  • Reflect on tolerance & understanding
  • Feel happy
  • Go to bed early

Mother’s Day

Sara J. & Penny

This is my birth mother, Penny. I celebrate her in memoriam today because she chose to leave this world in December 1977, when I was only 16 months old. What I know about her is limited: she had an extremely rough childhood, she struggled with depression and bi-polar disorder, and one day things got to be too much to handle, I guess.

< sorry, I’m struggling for words here… >

She committed suicide.

I have no memories of her. I was raised by my dad and step-mom, and while I was growing up I can honestly say my birth mother just wasn’t real to me. When I was 4, my parents took me to a psychologist and I guess he told them that I would always search for her, but as time wore on all I felt was annoyance. I wanted people to understand that I didn’t have any feelings about her one way or another… until the summer I turned 33, and the grieving process finally hit.

 It took the better part of three months to see it through, and honestly I probably should have sought guidance from a therapist during that time, but hey, hindsight is 20/20, right?  I’m still not sure what triggered it (I suspect it had a lot to do with the development of my emotional intelligence at the time) but my delayed grieving was both scary and liberating. I had lots of questions and was forced to face more than a few hard truths about life, cruelty, unfairness, abandonment, relationships, love, and myself.

Now, instead of pretending Penny never existed, I accept that she had to leave and more importantly – I don’t have to search for her anymore because she’s part of me.

Happy Mother’s Day.