Love is a luxury for me. It looks nice and feels wonderful, but I never feel like I can truly afford it.
- Wake up early
- Savor the few sips of coffee you manage to take
- Spend the day actively considering those less fortunate than you
- Embrace afternoon vacation on the first day of Autumn
- Watch Arsenal destroy the sp*rs in Capital One Cup at White Hart Lane
- Show generosity and kindness to others
- Play soccer and give it everything you’ve got
- briefly wonder if your heart will explode
- realize your heart is the only thing driving you
- truly appreciate your heart
- Realize how much water contributes to life and vow to drink more of it
- Experience genuine acts of love & kindness
- Reflect on tolerance & understanding
- Feel happy
- Go to bed early
This is my birth mother, Penny. I celebrate her in memoriam today because she chose to leave this world in December 1977, when I was only 16 months old. What I know about her is limited: she had an extremely rough childhood, she struggled with depression and bi-polar disorder, and one day things got to be too much to handle, I guess.
< sorry, I’m struggling for words here… >
She committed suicide.
I have no memories of her. I was raised by my dad and step-mom, and while I was growing up I can honestly say my birth mother just wasn’t real to me. When I was 4, my parents took me to a psychologist and I guess he told them that I would always search for her, but as time wore on all I felt was annoyance. I wanted people to understand that I didn’t have any feelings about her one way or another… until the summer I turned 33, and the grieving process finally hit.
It took the better part of three months to see it through, and honestly I probably should have sought guidance from a therapist during that time, but hey, hindsight is 20/20, right? I’m still not sure what triggered it (I suspect it had a lot to do with the development of my emotional intelligence at the time) but my delayed grieving was both scary and liberating. I had lots of questions and was forced to face more than a few hard truths about life, cruelty, unfairness, abandonment, relationships, love, and myself.
Now, instead of pretending Penny never existed, I accept that she had to leave and more importantly – I don’t have to search for her anymore because she’s part of me.
Happy Mother’s Day.